Kel suggested I add a photo to my logs. So I am doing that. This one is from the main passageway up into the module. This is the first view of the inside I got as a child. I took it from the height I saw it at, and it hit me a lot harder than I expected when I looked at it again.
I've re-written this log a few times now. At least a dozen. I think I have worked it all out. There is a lot on my mind these days, so I suppose it's good that I work through these things. I think Kel would agree, and they did tell me to just put my thoughts down, record my observations that don't fit in the technical logs, etc... I did that, and learned a bit about myself.
I love Kel. They've been my guardian for the majority of my life. Yet... It was their actions that stole my parent from me, even if I was really being raised by Uncle. What I remember of my parent wasn't much. I know my mother died, for a reason no one is really able to answer for me, and my parent just wasn't as up to the task of caring for me. They leaned on Uncle and the tribe, caring for me through work to support me and the rest of the tribe instead.
I suppose that is why I'm conflicted in my feelings towards Kel. They have been everything I could have hoped for in a parent. They care for me deeply. They clearly only want what is best for me, and are not judgmental, listening to me, accepting me, and allowing me to be, well... me. At the same time, there is always the fact that they killed and ate my parent, and that tries to haunt everything.
I know the details. Kel never lied to me about it. They could have, but they didn't. I know that they feel significant guilt about it, and took me on to help make up for that. Kel has also never suggested that doing so was a burden on them, and expressed that it was their honor and joy to raise me. I think I will always have some deep seated resentment, left over from that child I was, lost, alone, and being handed over to this strange alien creature. The view of this passageway, a true gateway into the unknown for me.
Since then I have learned, and Kel has made sure that, if I wanted to learn something, it was made available to me. Over time they have increased my access to the module systems. They've taught me to fly it, if we can ever free the drives of the crystal growth. Most of all, Kel has guided me in how to think and look at the world. I know they were not raised that way, but I am grateful that they have raised me that way. Their pride in my ideas, like the winch to lift things to the top of the cliff in preparation for the trip to Sanctuary ahead of the tide. If they could have glowed with the pride, they would have.
I've learned to read them, and them me. I think the most nerve wracking, terrifying moment of my life was after the festival. I found both Clar and Hearl at the festival, and it was like puzzle pieces just fit. We had been hanging out for weeks, ever since i started giving the swimming lessons, with Kel keeping watch, a look of pride on their face. Clar, Hearl, and I... we just hit it off, and then at the festival. It was like one of Kel's grenades.
When I came out and Kel was already up, I was so scared. Yet, they were perfect. They just rolled with it and asked questions about our plans, and if it was a fling, or if we were going to try and make a go of it as mates. Clar, Hearl, and I had already discussed it, and we are going to try the mate thing. That said, Kel's questions gave us a lot of extra stuff to think about. Our first mating was mind blowing, but there is so much more to being mates than that. Kel reminded us of that, without being overbearing about it. Just created a discussion where we could think though the implications.
We are going to build our home next to Kel's, up against the face of the cliff. I think Kel is going to dig some into the cliff face. It makes sense, the stone, with a printed pressure door, if properly mounted and sealed, could provide some better protection for some of the more sensitive equipment than the storage cave the tribe uses. i should talk to Kel about that. See about the installation of a door for the storage cave. It would make for a better and more secure storage for the tribe as well. Something they should consider, now that they are an elder.
After Clar, Hearl, and I discussed our plans for the future as mates, that required that I bring up my desire to seek upgrades to myself the way Kel is. It took some explaining, and pulling things up on the lounge vid screen, but they got it. Then it was explaining why, that it wouldn't change who I was, but as I upgraded, it would result in me living much longer than they will. That was a hard conversation, but necessary, and I just kept hearing Kel's voice telling me to be strong. Telling me that if they truly cared about me, they would support me.
I admit. The silence was terrifying, but Clar first, and then Hearl, hugged me tightly and let me know that they support me. Only slightly harder was broaching the subject with Kel. They were serious, but listened intently. I could tell that they had thought about it, and hadn't come to an answer. They didn't sleep that night, and I didn't sleep well. Only having Clar and Hearl with me let me sleep any. Kel agreed, and though they did require that I change the plan I had come up with. Their reasons were good. They want to be cautious, I wanted to do it all at once.
I look forward to having my first upgrades. A unit in my lungs that will let me hold my breath for an hour or more, and a communication implant that will let me talk to Kel anywhere. Well, almost anywhere. I won't get the neural implant for months yet. Lots of tests and scans before I can do that. I'm impatient, but I understand it. If we rush it, the process could hurt or even kill me. That wouldn't be good for Kel, for Clar and Hearl, or for me. So I will have to be patient.