So..... I deleted a few entries again. Maybe more than just a few... Took some notes, and then deleted them. It would seem that the signal I found out there in the void affected me more than I initially realized. Much like that moment of panic I had early on, I kinda lost it there for a while. Just glad I'm not suicidal while I'm like that.
Problem here is. This was almost a two year stint of crazy. Sure. I admit. There are days I just stretch out on the couch in the lounge, and let the vid watch me. The implants let me keep track of things and respond to just about anything without running to the control room. I have lost entire days, two, even three at a time, to staring out at the mesmerizing beauty of ARC Space. The ship takes good care of itself now, and with me wired into it with the implants, we're a good team.
This... This was different than that time though. That first time was literal panic. I was pretty coherent through it all this time, a bit manic, but lucid. At least based on the logs I removed. Still, I spent a week in the ADoc getting a checkup. I have no signs of mental or psychological fissure. No signs of mental or psychological deterioration. Stress, sure, but that is to be expected given everything. Though I see it in the last post I let stand, just before I went fully off the script, if you will.
That other me kept healthy all the same, and the ADoc records show some deviation in certain sections of my brain. Right where you'd expect in a fissure, yet..., those readings were also not aberrant, and are now gone as if never there. The biggest difference is an alteration in subtle brain chemistry. A difference I'd ignore if it were not for the episode that it correlates with. Sadly, I just don't have enough data.
I think it is just being out here so long by myself. Even I need the occasional contact, and vid's only get one so far. Reading only gets one so far. Music only helps so much. I've even started to learn to play several instruments. I hope to get good enough to compose some stuff of my own some day.
Really though. I wasn't ever meant to be completely alone out here. I am reading up on the writings of the PsyTech's. Trying to see if there is any precedence for what happened to me. There is, and it is simply described as a coping mechanism for long term isolation. A species thing, and I have all the markers for it. I guess it is just something I'm going to have to live with. There are signs, and I'll just need to be more prepared. Maybe leave myself a message.
Once I came to, I dropped out of Jump while I figured out what had happened. Just coasted through the void, so far from anything else, there were no photons, no nothing, literally, but me. It is actually kinda scary. No frame of reference. No way to tell if you are even moving. Time suspends out there like that. Almost as if time doesn't exist, as if it were an artifact of the universes, the matter, the worlds, stars, and things, we think of as existence.....
Don't get me wrong. I got a lot done like that. That other me seems to be me without any inhibitions. No moral or ethical questions about doing X or Y. If the idea comes into my head when I am like that, I just do it.
That means, that I now have a network of 250,000 satellites in a spherical formation that is more than 200 trillion trillion light years in diameter. That other me pulled off some pretty impressive stuff. Their improvements to the 3D printers and several other systems, has increased efficiency and reduced print time significantly. They were very busy.
It is like having a massive telescope out in the blackness of the void. The resolution is astonishing. I now have confirmed birth signal from more than 5000 universes. I also know which direction the signal is coming from, and approximately how far. Tantalizing I have to admit.
I have alien plants in my garden now. Plants that they found on worlds in Trost. I also have a pet. It's name is Kotth. Small, affectionate thing. Very similar to the animals kept as pets by the elite back home, though not the same, as Kotth is able to eat the same meals as I am, and is actually somewhat intelligent. Able to understand a basic set of commands and instructions as taught by my other self.
There are actually two. Kotth and Lurr. They sleep with me, on my bed, on the couch, and make good companions. They give me something to talk to, even if I don't get a response other than a churr or other animal sound. I find that I enjoy sitting with some music on, and watching ARC space with one or both of them on my lap. I have to agree with my other self. They make good companions.
I am, not having much else to do, heading in the direction of the signal. There are a number of universes on the way, which I will be stopping in to drop satellite's, refuel, restock, and generally satisfy my curiosity. I know that the signal is farther than I have already traveled by more than tipple. There is therefore, really no hurry.
Once I get to the first universe I picked up the birth signal from, I will have a better measure for how far the signals travel, how far things really are from each other, and therefore how old some of those signals are.